|
by DurLlwyd
- version 1.1
Isn't D/s just about kinky sex?
Sometimes it is, and sometimes it isn't. How much of a person's life is
effected by their involvement with D/s depends entirely on the individual.
For some people, D/s is limited to sexual role-play; for others it is a
way of life. Each person decides for themselves how much or how little
they want to involve D/s in their lives.
What does 'vanilla' mean?
'Vanilla' is a term used to refer to things or people not involved with
D/s or BDSM. The term is sometimes used with a negative connotation, but
generally is not intended in a derogatory manor.
What is the difference between D/s and BDSM?
There is a fair amount of overlap in how the terms are used, but in
general:
D/s is an acronym that stands for Dominance & submission. D/s
generally refers to the authority and responsibility transfer between a Dominant and a sub; i.e., D/s relates to who makes and is responsible for
decisions. The range of decisions included depends on the people involved,
and may be limited to the bedroom or extend to any area of life.
BDSM is an acronym that stands for Bondage, Discipline, Sadism &
Masochism. BDSM generally refers to the physical interaction during a
'scene,’ such as ropes and paddles. However, BDSM can also include
non-physical interaction such as humiliation play, and often the term BDSM
is used to include D/s as well. It is a term that came from the fusing of
the term S&M (sadism & masochism) with the term B&D (bondage
& discipline). B&D was a term that was put forth by the leather
community in an attempt to remove itself from term S&M, which had a strong negative connotation at the time.
How do I meet people involved with D/s and BDSM?
One common way for people to meet is via IRC or other computer
messaging systems. Being online gives individuals the ability to remain
anonymous while asking questions about the lifestyle. On the down side,
because IRC and the like allow a level of anonymity, anyone can present
themselves as being an 'expert' on the lifestyle, regardless of their
actual experience (or lack thereof). This is one of the reasons the Net
has a great deal of inaccurate information about D/s and BDSM.
Most areas also have local D/s or BDSM clubs and organizations. Often
the easiest way to find these organizations is a quick search on the web.
These organizations frequently have informal meetings called 'munches.'
Munches are just a chance for people with shared interests to meet in a
relaxed setting. Munches are normally held at public restaurants with
everyone wearing normal everyday clothing.
Why do people use nicknames rather then their real names?
People within the lifestyle use nicknames for several reasons, one of
which is to provide a level of anonymity and separation from other areas
of their lives. Because BDSM and D/s are sometimes viewed unfavorably by
mainstream culture, it is often helpful to keep one's private life
private.
What is the difference between a 'submissive' & 'slave'?
The use of the term 'slave' in the D/s and BDSM community is the
subject of some debate. Many people use it to describe a very high level
of submission. Others use it as a generic term to describe any submissive.
In general, it can be said that a 'slave' gives up more of their autonomy
than a 'submissive'.
What does 'collared' mean?
A collar is usually used to show that a Dominant and submissive have a
formal commitment to each other. The significance of the 'collar' varies
depending on the parties involved. The significance can range from a
temporary training arrangement to the equivalent of marriage. A physical
collar is often worn much like a wedding ring to show that a submissive is
spoken for. The physical collar may be anything from a simple leather
collar to an expensive piece of jewelry.
Can the submissive just say 'no'?
The first thing to consider is a submissive is with a Dominant by
choice. The submissive wants to obey. If they did not want to be given
guidance and instruction they would not be with a Dominant in the first
place. With that said, the amount of pressure a Dominant can exert on a
submissive depends entirely on the specific people involved.
In casual D/s relationships, a Dominant has a rather limited amount of
pressure that can be used to get a submissive to comply. In such cases,
this often this comes down to the Dominant simply discontinuing the
relationship if the submissive is consistently obstinate. In more serious
D/s relationships there are more avenues a Dominant can employ to gain
compliance, so it becomes more difficult for the submissive to arbitrarily
refuse instructions. Obviously, the more actual leverage a Dominant has
over a submissive the more important it is the Dominant demonstrate good
judgment.
How is a submissive punished?
There is a wide range of punishments used with subs. It entirely
depends on the Dom, and the seriousness of the infraction. Punishments can
range from a gentle scolding to significant whipping, and anything in
between. Other common punishments are writing assignments, standing in
corners, loss of privileges such as computer access, and extra chores.
Punishments vary as much as anything else in the lifestyle.
What will other people think if they find out that I have an interest
in D/s or BDSM?
Well, that depends on whom you tell. This is a reasonable concern
considering the world is full of people who are quick to judge anyone they
see as different. Each person with an interest in D/s or BDSM needs to
assess their own life and determine how accepting the people around them
are likely to be. Many people have been surprised to find that friends can
be more accepting then expected. Each person must make a decision as to
how 'out' about their interests they choose to be. One thing to keep in
mind is that there is a difference between being 'out' and flaunting your
interest in front of people who really don't want to know.
Does a Dominant partner control money in a D/s relationship?
Every relationship is different. In some cases the Dominant may control
the finances, in other cases finances may be completely separate.
Are people involved in this lifestyle 'damaged'?
This question is the curse of the 'outsider’; it is rooted in the
majority assumption that what is different or unfamiliar is somehow
'wrong.' The short answer is no -- being involved with the D/s lifestyle is
not an indication that someone is psychologically injured. In general,
Lifestyle people are generally well balanced, intelligent, and
self-reflective. They usually demonstrate a greater-than-average level of
self-knowledge as a result of the personal reflection required to choose
to live an alternative lifestyle. However, the D/s lifestyle, like all
lifestyles, is comprised of separate individuals, and specific individuals
may have their own specific problems.
The hidden reason to suggest that someone must be damaged to be in a Lifestyle D/s relationship lies in the assumption that a D/s relationship is 'wrong.' If you ask someone why they think a person would have to be damaged to choose a D/s relationship, they will tend to answer with an explanation of why D/s relationships are 'bad.' The thinking goes, only a damaged person would choose a 'bad' relationship. So the crux of the issue is the assumption that the D/s relationship is 'unhealthy'.
Is
submission unhealthy?
No, submission is not 'unhealthy.' Those outside of the lifestyle will
often suggest that any authority shift between people is 'unhealthy.’
Their position often centers on the argument that being in such a
relationship is, in essence, giving up an individual's rights.
An interesting point here is those who insist an individual must be
free to make their own choices will, in the same breath, deny that same
individual the right to live the lifestyle of their choosing. Critics
often attempt to avoid this hypocrisy by saying that anyone choosing to a
D/s lifestyle is 'damaged,' and only does so out of injury and ignorance.
This is a redirection argument that dodges the question of why they
believe that other people should not be free live the lifestyle of their
choosing.
In the end, it all comes down to what an individual wants. If a person
chooses to live a D/s lifestyle, it is a deeply personal choice. There
have always been and will always be those who will insist on seeing what
they do not understand in a negative light.
Why does a submissive need 'training'?
Western culture generally represents that to be submissive in a
domestic relationship is 'wrong.' (To be fair, there is no such thing as a
'neutral' culture.) Part of the reason for 'training' is to 'level the
playing field.' Training provides an alternative socialization that helps
remove the unconscious objections to submission that result from
socialization in Western culture.
Some of the biggest problems faced by subs stem from the fight to
reconcile their need for submission with the cultural view that submission
is a personal fault. Countless new subs end up berating themselves because
they view their need for submission as a character flaw. A large part of
training is to help a submissive take pride in their submission. One might
call it, "self-acceptance" training.
Another aspect is that, to some degree, obedience is a teachable trait.
If a Dominant wants a high level of obedience from a sub, it is helpful to
train that submissive to obey.
Can you have children in a D/s relationship?
Yes, but it is certainly more complicated than being in a D/s
relationship without children. The issues are numerous and complex. The
general advice given is that it is best to hide the nature of the
relationship from children. The world is full of judgmental people, and
children being born without such prejudice, are inclined to say the wrong
thing at the wrong time. Well meaning but misguided friends, family, and
teachers are all too happy to 'intervene' and ‘show you the error of
your ways.’ Discretion, as they say, is the better part of valor.
Can a vanilla relationship become a D/s relationship?
It is possible, but it takes time, effort, communication, and
understanding. It is not possible to completely change the dynamics of an
existing relationship overnight. This is doubly true if the one or more of
the parties involved are new to D/s relationships. In order for a vanilla
relationship to migrate to a D/s relationship, everyone involved must have
a solid understanding of how D/s relationships work. If any party in the
relationship doesn't have this understanding, it is almost inevitable that
the relationship will become poisoned by differing expectations. Also,
there must be a true desire for this type of relationship. Attempting to
just 'go along with it' for that sake of one's partner is an invitation to
disaster.
Do all Dominants want multiple
submissives?
No, but is not uncommon. As with all relationships, the people in the
relationship determine its nature. Some people have open relationships,
some closed relationships. Some people have relationships that fall under
the title 'poly-amorous fidelity,' where three or more individuals are
involved in a closed relationship. All manner and sorts of relationships
exist with the D/s community.
Do people really live D/s 24/7?
Yes, although it is uncommon. 24/7 is normally refers to relationships
where the D/s dynamic is in place 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.
However, because some people view D/s and BDSM as something that elevates
social status, people are known to overstate their involvement. Some
people will even refer to long-distance relationships as 24/7. This is a
shame, because it gives the impression that 'more is better' rather then
encouraging people to find their own comfort level.
In an effort to avoid this confusion, the term Lifestyle D/s is
helpful. Lifestyle D/s may be defined as a lifestyle in which D/s is a
principal element in day-to-day living, and where the final authority for
the majority of significant life decisions rests with the Dominant in the
relationship.
« Go
back to the previous section.
|
